Living with Thyroid

My friend called me the other day and told me in a whisper that she had all the symptoms of early pregnancy. That should be a cause for joy, not for muted tones, I advised her.

“No,” she whispered even more urgently. “But we didn’t do it at all last month.”

“Why?” I asked stupidly.

“Oh, this and that,” She hemmed and hawed, reluctant to admit the children-work-laziness-TV quartet that make our bedrooms as stimulating as a yawn. She went on to narrate that she had all the symptoms of pregnancy – her periods were late, she was feeling bloated, she has noticed a few extra pounds, she was tired all the time.

“Immaculate conception, my dear Mary,” I guffawed.

She asked me to be serious.

“Wasn’t there even one day when -- you know -- you did it?” I stuttered.

“No, there wasn’t,” she said with a finality.

She assured me that she will get back to me with updates and we went back to our things that keep us busy all day and exhausted at night.

About a week later, she called again. “I have a thyroid problem.”

“Oh, that is bad, but common enough.” I remarked. I had to explain that she was about the sixth person I know who had a thyroid issue. “Hypo or hyper?” I enquired.

That was not a trick question. This little butterfly-shaped nondescript gland is, for all intents and purposes, bipolar – to say the least. In a few fortunate some, it is normal and pleasant, does its chores without a fuss and does not complain. In a few hapless souls, it goes into a maniacal overdrive, producing hormones and fatiguing out the poor cells in a metabolic orgy. Then again, what is most common especially among us, the fairer sex (if one can call oneself so), is when the little devil switches into a stuporous mode, when it goes into a prolonged sulk and does not produce those hormones which are apparently crucial for our well-being.

Here is a checklist:
Do you feel that your strong, beating heart is all aflutter? No, you are not falling in love, you are just hyperthyroid.

Do you have hair loss that cannot be explained by postpartum, dandruff, bad hair hygiene, simply pulling out your hair, etc. etc.? Son of a gun, you might have a thyroid problem.

Do you feel depressed, downtrodden, irritable, extremely vulnerable? Don’t look any further, you are hypothyroid.

Are you constipated? Or are you going a wee bit too frequent? Your gastroenterologist has reached the end of his road? Consult your friendly neighborhood endocrinologist, it might just be your thyroid.

Decreased – ahem – libido? Searching for an aphrodisiac? Check your thyroid first.

We have our own page three celebrity in our bodies, and love it, hate it, we just cannot ignore it.

So, as I said, my question was not tricky.

“Hypo,” she said. She sounded very hyper though.

“I can understand,” I suggested although she did not sound as if she wanted anything to be understood and it was left to thin air what I really understood. “Did you start medication?”

“Oh, not yet.”

“Is Joseph back from work?”

“No, he will be late today. As usual.” Tiredness was creeping into our voices. Tiredness and boredom.

“So what is new,” I halfheartedly joked.

“Let me get going then.” She was in the clutches of her thyroid, her little procrastinations, life’s indifference. And time for me to return to my own mundaneness.

“Okay then. Bye.”

“Bye.”

“Don’t worry, everything will be all right” I said omnisciently to the stillness after the click.