My Cocoon, My World

Amrapali seldom saw beyond herself. She was the most valued asset of her nation, she was every man’s desire and every woman’s nightmare. All men craved for her, and she danced for the highest bidder – danced and did some more. She played with men’s lives and souls. She lived in her tightly woven cocoon of life and was not ready to step out – that was until Buddha’s path crossed hers.

We were practising hard for our dance drama on Amrapali, the famed courtesan of Vaishali – every poet’s dream and every philosopher’s victory. I just had a forgettable role in the whole dance drama – that of a stereotypical monk. I also had to double up as a maid-in-waiting for Amrapali (there was a clear dearth of forgettable dancers in our group). Although my role wasn’t as juicy as I wanted it to be, the whole enactment was brilliant and refreshing. We were exploring a little bit of the heroine’s psyche – an arrogant Amrapali, too sure of her worth, scheming to lure Buddha; a smitten Amrapali not quite knowing what there was in the saffron robe-clad monk that attracted her so; a bewildered Amrapali with her ever-increasing questions on life; a delirious Amrapali who saw Buddha everywhere; a surrendering Amrapali who gave up everything to claim nirvana – that holy grail for the soul.

When my whole five-minute bit practice session was over, I got back home, a question still rankling in my mind. Would I ever give up my comfortable cocoon for nirvana, just like Amrapali? Forsake the world as I know it and embrace a painless, lifeless existence? What is nirvana? Is it freedom from worries, freedom from sorrow, freedom from change, freedom from life? Would I ever step out of my concreteness for such a hard-to-define liberation?

All life is suffering. Change is suffering. Pleasure is transient. Thus spoke the enlightened Buddha. Attachment is the cause of misery. Detach yourself from the world and you will be free of suffering. Buddha charted out a gradual path of self-refinement to achieve that end. Once the suffering ends, you will attain nirvana. The four noble truths were thus born out of enlightenment.

If we could all enlighten ourselves, where would that lead the world? To human beings attuned towards higher happiness, where sensual craving gives way to monotonous bliss? To a perfectly staid society? To a lifetime of impeccable drabness?

I have built my cocoon with exquisite care. These are my walls of imperfection. This is my little niche in the vastness of an ever-changing world. My senses are my warp and weft. I lie, I cry, I suffer, I change, but those are my realities that I don’t want to trade – not for nirvana. I would rather live my life in all its transience. I decide. I don’t step out. I step back into my fortress, shut the gates, in a bungling attempt to keep myself safe.