A young man said he was attracted to me.Let me analyze attraction. It can be ephemeral, a fleeting quickening of heartbeat, a vague rush of adrenaline, which can fade away in an hour, a day, a week. It can be a deeper, long-lasting physical yearning, that overpowering tension in your sinews to touch, feel, and experience. It can be emotional, an intangible impulse of closeness that you feel, courtesy your limbic system. It can be intellectual, where your ideas meet and hobnob, where arguments pave way to ecstasy. It can be all of this, none of this, or some more than the others.
I didn’t know how to analyze his attraction. He was a stranger, a maverick. Yes, I have talked to him many times, and I have enjoyed every minute of talking to him, but I still did not know who he was, just that he said he was attracted to me.
Still, my heart went aflutter. Rationality is a curious thing. It surmises situations, passes judgments, motivates action, but is not a custodian enough to control hearts. And my stupid heart (that same limbic system which we conversationally call “heart”) went aflutter.
Rationality asked him what his intention was. His answer was straight enough. Consummation. Rationality did not leave it at that. It questioned him on morality, scruples, integrity, commitment, respect. It warned him of the scarlet letter that would scorch not the bosom but the conscience forever. Oh! It was a prude, my rationality.
In the end, I gave him up. Not because of my rationality – or not wholly because of it. A fluttering heart was not an excuse to undo what I have built with exquisite care – my beautiful life as I know it and my unending love affair with it. I have mixed the right amount of love, lust, happiness, excitement, yearning, frustration, sadness, even boredom – all the ingredients the way I wanted them, I didn’t want to upset it now, not by my choice. I give leeway only to time and its unstoppable flow of circumstances.
And so, presumably, he gave up on me too.
Attraction, like rationality, is a curious thing.
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12 comments:
hmmm...interesting...u do have a way with handling words and thoughts...
attraction i have found, is just that. nothing more. it goes as easily as it comes. sometimes leaves behind a lingering aura of what might have been...had it, in the first place been more than just attraction
(ps : i am still trying to figure out what i wrote :)
Very interestingly written. Your last line says it all! :-)
Ganga, Shail: I wonder if our lives are really as interesting as the way we portray them to be...writing has its advantages :)
Arch: Can there be a "just" to attraction? Well, I guess I am trying to figure out what I wrote and what you commented ;)
I couldn't resist using this quote -
Why does a man take it for granted that a girl who flirts with him wants him to kiss her - when, nine times out of ten, she only wants him to want to kiss her? ~Helen Rowland
Janaki: You, as usual, have hit the nail on the head :). I would rather not have that insight though!
Ah. I always tell them that an ornithologist may study birds and may be able to tell that, with a probability of 92.56%, that bird flying north-northwest, is on its migratory path, and is the redbreasted Nuthatch.
But he may never find the joy of watching a charming sight of the beautiful bird flying against the clouds with orange hued sky as backdrop. We we can!
My humble analysis tells me that analysis kills the joy most of the time.
pathe: wow, finally a fellow bird-watcher!! joy is an impulse...analysis might just mellow it down a bit. but analyzing is a joy in itself :)
Roops,
Interesting post, and I must admit, very courageous too.
Attraction, like rationality, is a curious thing. It is not by choice; it is more by accident. Though I doubt if that was the case with your most-intelligent friend.
Speaking about attraction, whenever I tell my wife how she can be stupid and beautiful at the same time, she reminds me that she was made beautiful so I would be attracted to her, and she was made stupid so that she would be attracted to me!
Cheers,
Salil
Salil: Choice and accident might have equal role to play. One can, if one wants, control one's mind. It all depends on whether one chooses to control or not. But can one choose to get attracted? I frankly don't know.
I disagree that choice and accident has equal role to play in getting attracted.
I don't think one can control being attracted to another (of course, I am not referring to physical attraction alone). Control comes later - I can choose to express/show my attraction or not. But feeling attracted is definitely not by choice but by accident.
Just my 0.02 cents.
Ha ...i concede. At least, I think our views are coming from the same side of the fence.
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